One of the questions that I answer the most is: "How do I know I'm a sex addict?" The best way to determine if you are a sex addict is by being honest with yourself about the negative consequences that your behaviors have or potentially have on yourself and those around you. This may include loss or potential loss of relationships, jobs, families, and time, as well as sexually transmitted diseases, anxiety, shame, depression, productivity decline, and an overall lack of peace and well being in your life. Patrick Carnes, one of the nation's leading experts on sexual addiction has developed the SAFE Formula that is suggested as a guideline to answering this question. See the S.A.F.E. formula.

Many times our minds try to rationalize our behaviors with statements like: I am not hurting anyone else, no one has to know about this, I deserved to do this, etc. Our experience is that eventually the negative consequences of behaviors begin to surface, many times with devastating effects i.e.: caught surfing porn at work; getting arrested for sexual behavior; or another affair being discovered.

Sex addiction is a destructive and difficult problem. It ruins families, breaks relationships, loses jobs, causes arrests, and destroys self esteem and physical health. Millions of people are affected by this addiction. It is not primarily a moral problem; it is a problem of out of control feelings and behaviors. The startling truth: Sex addiction is not about sex! However, where there is a desire to recover there is hope.

For some, the addictive behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or an extensive use of pornography, phone, or computer sex services. For others, their addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation, or rape.

Even though those who suffer with sexual addiction are typically very aware of the negative consequences of their behaviors, they’re usually unable to successfully control their compulsion without appropriate professional help. 

Negative consequences affect all areas of life including:

• Children
• Social
• Meaningful relationships
• Emotional
• Legal
• Physical
• Financial

Compulsive sexual thoughts and/or behaviors can lead to increasingly serious consequences in both the individuals’ internal and external world. The consequences may include severe depression, low self esteem, shame, self-hatred, hopelessness, despair, intense anxiety, loneliness, moral conflict, contradictions between ethical values and behaviors, fear of abandonment, spiritual bankruptcy, distorted thinking, remorse, and self deceit.

70 to 75% of sex addicts have thought about suicide. Many suffer from broken relationships and more than 60% experience severe marital and other relationship problems. 

The sex addict is frequently absent from their home life (physically and/or emotionally) and if they have children this usually results in a significant loss of necessary parental role modeling. Pressure is then placed on the partner to provide the majority of parental support and nurturing of the children. In response to added pressures, partners of sex addicts, as well as children of sex addicts usually develop their own addictions and compulsions, psychosomatic problems, or depression and other emotional difficulties. The cumulative effects of all of these factors usually result in a very unstable family environment. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect of the children usually occurs. Growing up in such a home increases the risk for the next generation to also have addictive disorders.

Serious health consequences of sex addiction may include HIV infection, genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and other sexually transmitted diseases. Sex addicts have an increased risk of STDs. Genital injury may result from excessive sexual activity or the use of sex aids and foreign objects. Addictive sadomasochistic sex can lead to physical damage to the body.

Some sex addicts lose their jobs, get sued, and have other financial and legal consequences because of their compulsive sexual behavior. Financial difficulties from the purchase of pornographic materials, use of prostitutes, telephone and computer sex, travel for the purpose of sexual contacts, dinners and outings with potential sexual mates, and other sexual activities can tax the addicts financial resources, sometimes to the point of bankruptcy, as can the expense of legal representation. 60% of addicts have faced financial difficulties, 58% engaged in illegal activities, an 83% of sex addicts also had concurrent addiction such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and especially eating disorders. 

Sexual addicts are hostages of their own preoccupation. Every passerby, every relationship, and every introduction to someone passes though the sexually obsessive filter. More than merely noticing sexually attractive people, there is a quality of desperation which interferes with work, relaxation, and even sleep. People become objects to be scrutinized. A walk though a crowded downtown area is translated into a veritable shopping list of “possibilities.”