Contents

1. Prepare Your Survival Plan;

What I want you to do is to work on your Survival Plan. A Survival Plan is not something you do as punishment, but as a way to protect yourself and your family. It should be what you are willing to do if the addict (Alcoholic/drug addict/behavior addict) chooses to drink, use, or act out again. It is what you must do to keep yourself and your family from being drawn back into the "craziness" and "madness" of addiction again. Your survival plan should be in writing; maybe it could even be posted on the refrigerator door. It must be something that is agreed upon by you and your family members. The addict must know what the plan is and must know that it is serious and is something you are prepared to do and will do if he/she chooses not to remain clean and sober.

2. You Didn't Cause It, You Can't Control It, You Can't Cure it.

Did you go out and buy the drugs/stuff and give them to the addict? Did you hold him/her down and force him/her to take/to use the drugs/stuff? Did you make his/her life so miserable that they had to go use/act out in order to escape the sad life you had caused him/her to live? Of course not. You simply didn't cause it. Since all the things you have done to try to control him/her and to prevent the addict from using/acting out didn't work, are there other things that you can do to control him/her? When you turn your back will you still be able to control this addict? Of course not. There is nothing you can do to control it. Think of all the ways you have tried to cure the addict, to fix the problem, to be a good parent/spouse/co-dependent and make things ok. Did anything work? Of course not. What makes us think that if we just do something again and again that the results will somehow magically be different? Guess what. The results will be the same next time. Only the addict can make it better. It has to be a conscious decision on his/her end to be addiction-free. We can't make that decision for him/her. We can see that he/she gets the tools, but we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

3. "No" Is A Complete Sentence.

When you say "no", it doesn't have to be explained. It doesn't have to be justified. Just say No. No is a complete sentence. You don't have to feel guilty, you don't have to be ashamed to stand up and do what you (and the addict) know is right. Just say No. No is a complete sentence. You don't have to feel intimidated by the threats and accusations that sometimes come with your saying "no". When you are right, you must stick to your guns and be unconditional. Just say No. No is a complete sentence.

4. Understand What "Triage" Means

In medical terms, it is a priority system and means to give full treatment to those that can benefit the most and little or none to those not likely to survive or to benefit. When there are babies or little children involved, they have to come first. They cannot defend themselves and must be protected at all costs, even if it means that the addict has to be left out in the cold. Don't let your babies be innocent victims of the bad choices that your addict is making. You cannot. You must not. They have to be your only, number one priority.

5. On the Subject of Children;

And on the subject of children; never lie to them. You sometimes don't need to tell them the "whole" truth, in all its dirty details, but don't lie to them. They are smarter than we think and may already have an idea of what's going on. And the little ones need to know that what the addict is doing is not their fault. Make sure they can talk about it and re-assure them that they should feel no guilt. And they need to know that it is ok to feel angry and it is ok to feel afraid. They know that someone they love is not acting right. They need to know that the addiction is a disease and that Dad/Mom is very sick and trying to get well. Make sure that they know that it doesn't mean that their Dad/Mom doesn't love them.

6. They are Ego Maniacs with an Inferiority Complex

Addicts have huge ego's. They think that they are "special". They will tell you that they are "not like those other people" (in the program). They will insist that they should be treated better. They can explain that the only reason that they are in trouble is that the police/boss/somebody was being mean and unfair to them. Yet a big reason that they keep using/acting out is that they lack the healthy egos to just feel good being themselves. They need the alcohol/drugs/behavior to make up for the feelings of inferiority.

7. It's Your House:

It's your house, it's your car, it's your money. You have the right and the responsibility to exercise control. You get to set conditions for the addict to live there. You get to make rules and expect them to be met. The addict has no "rights" to what is yours. An adult addict living with parents often still thinks that he/she has "his/her room" there. Not so. That room is your room and you get to decide under what conditions anyone lives there. That goes for "inspections" as well. It's your house and you need to know what is going on in your house. That's your responsibility (and a legal obligation) and it is not negated by the addict's claim that you are invading his/her privacy. It's your home. You make the rules.

Your Higher Power is anything that is bigger than you. It doesn't have to be religious at all. It's simply your spiritual awareness that there is something more powerful than you are. Recognizing your Higher Power can be a part of the humbling experience that is important to understanding that we do not have the power to fix the addict. It really doesn't matter if the Higher Power is only a block of wood. It represents the awareness that we as humans are powerless to control the destinies of others.

9. They Will Walk Right Over Your Dead Body

The nature of this disease is such that the addict will walk right over your dead body to get what they need to get the drug/booze they want. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. They simply don't care. Drugs and alcohol just wipe out their ability to feel pain, to feel shame, even to feel love. That's the nature of their disease. The only person important to an addict/alcoholic is themselves. Your pain is second to theirs. Your needs are second to theirs. While they are stoned, they will walk right over your dead body without a second thought. That's the nature of their disease. When they're not stoned, they can be very different and very caring. But then they probably wouldn't even remember seeing your dead body, much less having walked over it.

10. They Lie, Cheat and Steal

They lie, they cheat and they steal. That's what they do. Don't take it personally. That's just what they do. When in doubt, remember they lie, they cheat and they steal. So something they just told you is probably not the truth. And given the chance, they will probably cheat you and steal from you again. Just like before. It's not that they mean you any harm or ill will. It is just necessary for them to get the drugs/booze they want and need so bad. And they can always pay you back when they get back on their feet. Oh, Right!

11. Set Your Boundaries

It's important that you set boundaries, beyond which the addict cannot go. He/she must know that you will not permit certain actions, that you will not tolerate certain behavior. He/she must know that it is your right and responsibility to set and observe standards of behavior and actions. Your boundaries have to be clear and absolute. Otherwise you will see the addict's remarkable maneuvering skills put to work to not only remove the boundaries, but to make you feel guilty for not supporting them and just trying to make them go out and use again. Don't buy it. Set your boundaries.

12. Addiction is The Only Disease

Addiction is the only disease where the caretaker can die of the patient's disease. Addiction is the only disease where the patient has the power to choose to go into remission. Once the addict is sick and tired of being sick and tired, he/she can start to make the right choices to get to recovery. It's a deliberate choice that they can make. They can decide to get stoned again or to get well. When the addict is "under the influence", he/she is powerless to make the right decisions and choices. But during recovery, the decisions and choices are there and he/she has to make them. And they have to be made every day. In the meantime, a good parent/spouse/co-dependent can ruin a perfectly healthy body and screw up an otherwise healthy mind just trying to deal with the madness of the addiction. It is contrary to the instincts we all have to do whatever is necessary to help him/her get better, but we have to stop helping him/her get high (enabling), to stop making it worse. The addict must take control and make the right decisions.

13. You Can Lead A Horse to Water but You Can't Make it Drink.

At Confidential Counseling Services, Inc. we try to make the addict thirsty. We can only give him/her the knowledge and tools to get well; it's up to him/her to use them. We give him/her a whole tool box of the knowledge of how to stay sober. But we can't care more about his/her recovery than he/she does. He/she just has to decide to open the tool box and use the tools. As parents/spouses/co-dependents we sometimes try so hard to force him/her into recovery. We just simply don't have the power to do that. But if we do our part, we can help make them thirsty.

14. Once Sober, ...

Once sober, the addict will often revert back to the age/maturity level they were at when they first started using. If he/she started using say at age 15 and that was 10 years ago, then he/she probably never matured emotionally or mentally past the age of 15. So some of the childish behavior that the addict displays is really only because that is his/her "real" level of maturity. But once they become clean, the maturity can progress again and the addict can quickly become noticeably more adult-like in behavior and decisions.

15. They Have To Know There Will Be Negative Consequences

We all know that everything in life has a consequence. Bad things have Negative Consequences. Addicts don't understand this. For so long, they have done the bad behavior and the parent/spouse/co-dependent has covered for them and helped them avoid all the negative consequences. Having to deal with the nasty messes they create is sometimes a big incentive for the addict to finally start to work seriously on recovery. It sounds too simple? It is simple.

16. The Bank of Mom and Dad is Closed

The Bank of Mom and Dad is one of the key "institutions" of co-dependency. The addict would never be able to make it through their addiction were it not for the Bank of Mom and Dad. They always need a loan for this or for that, just 'till they get back on their feet again. Lucky for them, the Bank of Mom and Dad is always open.

At the Bank of Mom and Dad, bail can be arranged at any hour of the day or night. Late payments can be arranged; repossessions can be avoided. No collateral is required, not even an IOU. Just a phone call in the middle of the night will work. That's what the Bank of Mom and Dad is there for.

So it's time to close the Bank. But how will they manage on their own? Well, they always seem to be able to find the money to get drugs without help from the 'Bank". They always seem to be able to find a ride to go score without the "Bank" providing a car. They can do what they want to do. So close the Bank of Mom and Dad. Closed. Totally closed. Not just open for small loans, but closed.

17. Say "I'm sure you will find a way to work this out"

When the addict comes to you with another sad compelling story that says basically that you have to bail them out (again), you must learn to say "I'm sure that you will find a way to work this out." Rather than taking over (again) and doing it for them, just let them work it out.

We have to give them the dignity to make their own choices and to deal with the consequences of their actions.

If they can make even a barely do-able solution to a problem, that's better than if we take over and do it for them. They gain self-respect, which they don't have a lot of, and they learn responsibility.

18. Caretakers versus Co-Dependents

Someone who cares for another person who is not able to care for themselves is a Caretaker. The person may be disabled, may be temporarily sick, may have some other infirmity. But the person cannot care for themselves. Someone who cares for another person who is perfectly able to care for themselves, but chooses not to, is a Co-dependent. Co-dependents are easy to identify. They have a big sign across their foreheads which says "CO-DEPENDENT" in bright red letters. However, only an addict can see the sign; and they can see it easily from many blocks away. Co-dependents are drawn to addicts like moths to a light bulb at night. They need to be needed. They need to fix things. They need to be in control of things and make them better. Co-dependents usually think that they are Caretakers. Not so. They may be lots of other things; like victims of abuse, and like suckers, and all, but they are clearly not Caretakers.

19. Stay With the "I" Statement

You may honestly say to the addict, "You are acting bitter and resentful, I am worried that you are not doing well." Or you might have said, "You haven't been going to meetings like you were and I am getting scared that something is not right." Or you said, "You have been late getting home for the last four nights and it makes me crazy to think that you may be using again. These sound like perfectly normal non-threatening statements to perfectly normal people. Right? But what the addict actually heard was more like: Now she's bitching about my attitude again. I can never keep her happy. Or: now the old man's upset again that I didn't go to that stupid meeting. Why won't he just get off my back. Or: I can't even work a little overtime without getting accused of using again. I've had it with this guy! When you stay in the "I" Statement, you sound differently while saying almost exactly the same thing. "I am worried that you are not doing well. It sounds like your attitude has become bitter and resentful, and it really worries me." "I am getting scared that something is not right because you have missed several meetings recently." "I have been making myself crazy thinking that you may be using again because you have been late getting home for the last four nights." Talk about how you feel, your emotions, your reactions, don't talk about "you". It comes off as threatening to the addict.

20. Don't Accept Any Guilt Trips

There is always someone or something that can be blamed for the addict's current situation. Maybe the Parole Officer was just too strict and not very understanding. Maybe the Counselor was too rigid and didn't really understand that the addict had different needs. Maybe the Parent was too firm in refusing to support the relapses any longer. Maybe the Spouse was not being very loving because if he/she really loved the addict, they would help him/her just one more time. So the guilt for whatever is happening can always be properly laid at the feet of someone else. Usually that someone may be a good co-dependent who has a bad habit of taking too many free guilt trips. If you stand back and look at it, it might be obvious what's going on. Don't take any more free guilt trips.

21. Reply to Threats: "That Would Be a Really Dumb Choice"

An addict may have learned that the threat of some serious crime or some self-destructive act can get any good co-dependent to come around and be more sympathetic and to be more willing to do what ever it is that the addict is after. When threats are made, you might say to the addict something like this: "You know, it is your choice to do (this thing or that) if you really want to, but I personally think it would be a very dumb choice for you to make." So they may say " I'll just go steal (something)", or "I won't be around much longer unless ...". The expected reaction is that you will give in and help out just this one more time. Instead, try saying "It's your choice to do that if you want to but it would be a really bad decision if you do."

22. They Will Celebrate The Dog's Birthday

An addict will drink or use because it is their dog's birthday. Or they will drink or use because it is not their dog's birthday. We worry ourselves sick sometimes trying to understand why they do it. What was it that "set them off". What was the trigger that put them over the edge. Why did I do/not do what I did/didn't do that made them go out and drink/use? We have a hard time getting it through our heads that they drink/use be cause they are addicts and they want to get stoned/slammed, and, by the way, it just happened to be the dog's birthday. It's not our fault. It's not the dog's fault. It is the nature of their disease. And yes, they will drink or use because it is their dog's birthday. Or they will drink or use because it is not their dog's birthday.

23. The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.