Welcome to my Codependency page. 

Pia Mellody - the internationally recognized author on co-dependence

writes in her book Facing Codependence: “Because of dysfunctional childhood experiences a codependent adult lacks the ability to be a mature person capable of living a full and meaningful life." Two key areas of a person’s life reflect codependence: the relationship with the self and relationships with others.

She defines codependence as the lack of those functional internal habit patterns regarding the body, thinking, feeling, and behavior that are necessary to be a mature adult to be capable of having healthy relationships and finding a reasonable level of comfort in life.

According to Pia Mellody, there are five symptoms that form the core of the disease. 

Codependents have:

1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, that is to say, difficulty loving the self.
2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people, that is to say, difficulty protecting oneself.  
3. Difficulty owning one’s own reality appropriately, that is to say, difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others.  
4. Difficulty addressing interdependently one’s adult needs and wants, that is to say, difficulty with self-care.  
5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing one’s reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one’s age in various circumstances.

And she further explains that there are also five secondary symptoms that reflect how codependents think other people’s behavior is the reason they are unable to be in healthy relationships. The inaccurate thinking represented by these secondary symptoms creates problems in a codependent’s relationships with others, but these symptoms stem from the core problem, which is the bruised relationship with the self. These symptoms are (1) negative control, (2) resentment, (3) impaired spirituality, (4) addictions, or mental or physical illness, and (5) difficulty with intimacy.

For most of us codependent people, we have been unable to recognize these signs and see how they weave together to create a harmful pattern of behavior in our lives and in the lives of others. We are in denial.

As a result, we remain trapped in both rescuing others and being rescued by others, until the pain outweighs the benefits and forces us to step outside of the comfort found in this all familiar script.

Many of us find this pain overwhelming as we are unable to take care of ourselves by stating and meeting our own needs, by setting functional boundaries and by accepting and embracing true intimacy and unconditional love from those close to us.

Instead, we catastrophize and predict a lonely and loveless future and fear that others will see our deepest, darkest selves, the parts of ourselves that we can't accept and that we imagine to be bad, sad and mad.

Codependency causes us to become "enmeshed" within relationships, friendships, our jobs and roles and is accompanied by an exhausting tendency to want to "fix" people and things and to then be fixed. We become "rescuers" and "martyrs" and then directly or indirectly demand some kind of reward for our efforts. We become trapped by our need to be needed.

Fearing rejection and abandonment, we lose our own true identities (our "authentic selves"), living behind a mask of pretense (our "adapted selves") where we act as if we are happy and coping, when we are not and continue to "caretake" others when letting go would be the healthiest option.  We then crumble in a fit of despair, hopelessness and loneliness, only to pick ourselves up, or be rescued by other codependent people - and repeat this pattern again, with increasing momentum.

In being so remote and distant from our own needs and identities, often lost in response to our childhood experiences, we cling desperately to roles, relationships and patterns of behavior that provide short-term comfort but ultimate harm. We no longer know who we are and what really matters.

Our need for approval and our good feelings about ourselves are met through other people and our roles and instead of developing healthy "self esteem", we live with an unhealthy dependency on "other esteem" through the validation we receive from others.

The level of familiarity with these dysfunctional roles and relationships help to support our perceived sense of control and provides some degree of comfort to the lost, angry and wounded parts of ourselves that were abandoned at some point in our lives. Without realizing it, we re-abandon ourselves time and again and betray our own deepest needs and fears by recreating and confining ourselves to this desperately painful script.

Unless we get help and begin to re-establish healthy boundaries within our relationships and within ourselves, we remain locked inside the vicious spiral of despair, anger, depression, isolation and loss.

Codependency is particularly common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.  The challenge for those of us who have endured such experiences, is to finally break the destructive chain that has run through the many generations in our families. In breaking free from this pattern, we leave a lasting and important legacy.

The Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency

Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, addiction and cycling between hyperactivity/lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, sexual dysfunctions, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Self-Injury may also come from untreated co-dependency. 

Despite the gender specific terminology - this quote from a book by Beverly Engel applies to both sexes in relation to Codependency:

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.                                      

Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally.  An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

Codependency - The Therapy Process

When working with codependency, I work on two principal levels:

Firstly, as co-dependency is fundamentally about boundaries, I explore these and how they feature in your life, so that you can begin to reassert healthy boundaries, both internally (in how you relate to yourself) and externally (in how you relate to others).

Secondly, I explore some of the underlying issues which create self defeating patterns of behavior, so that the necessary healing can occur in "real time" in your life as it is today. I use a range of different approaches when working on this level, including inner child work, experiential and experimental therapy, affirmation work, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and narrative therapy (telling your story).

In addition to this, I will also explore the need to attend therapeutic support meetings.

Counseling is a healing process that enables real and lasting change to occur. It provides lasting benefits in terms of physical and mental health and wide ranging improvements to the quality of life for those in recovery from codependency. 

Or Skype me if you prefer: My Skype Name is heygaetane