The things we’re sick of, can’t stand, and make threats about, in a relationship – whether with a parent, a friend, a neighbor, etc. - are clues that we need to set some boundaries. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves. Mean what we mean.

Boundaries are limits that say: “This is how far I shall go. This is what I will and won’t tolerate from you.”

In recovery we learn that certain behaviors are not acceptable any more. In other words, “If I see any of the following behaviors in someone, I stay as far away as possible from that person because I know that in the long run this person is not good for me”: 

1.    Cursing at anyone.

2.    Name-calling.

3.    Raising his/her voice.

4.    Being sarcastic.

5.    Mocking.

6.    Put-downs.

7.    Laughing at someone.

8.    Lecturing.

9.    Borrowing without asking.

10.Using drugs.

11.Abusing alcohol.

12.Inappropriate Internet use.

13.Speeding or dangerous driving while I'm in the car.

14.Spitting.

What usually happens when you set boundaries with people ?

People may get defensive ! People may get angry at you for setting boundaries; because they can’t use you anymore. They may try to help you feel guilty so you will remove your boundary and return to the old system of letting them use or abuse you. 

The most important tool you need to learn when setting boundaries is to time yourself out. When you time yourself out you are automatically timing the other person out.